A Persistent Thought

We can be deeply committed to a cause, a dream, a reality and still not see it come to pass. We can work, sweat, cry and strive and not 'succeed'. And yet that is just what God calls us to do. We see the work that He calls us to, and we work. Sometimes openly and defiantly, like the American Revolution or Civil Rights. Sometimes quietly and steadily, like Hudson Taylor or Jim Elliot.

Most of the time we long for the spectacular. Just like the Jews wanted the Messiah to be, bursting onto the scene and demolishing the Romans, we want to fight for a cause. When what we are called to do is love, ruthlessly.

Love requires thought. Not passing thought but intentional pondering. Not flippant, shallow ideas of what love could be, but a willingness to involve oneself in another's life. To selflessly put another's spiritual growth at the forefront of our intentions.

When we live for God's glory, we are living our humanness to the very depths to which we were created. When we live for our own narrow existence we shrink God's glory to the size of our life.

My Preferred Language

My primary way of communicating with others involves heavy doses of sarcasm. I like sarcasm. Sarcasm is my friend. We go way back.

I think my first dalliance with sarcasm was with my sister at the tender age of maybe 5. She inspired me, what can I say? I think my sarcasm was in the form of rhyme... something to do with "you're a big, fat movie star." I never said I was good at it at such a young age. It didn't even make sense. But that's not the point. The point is that I tried. I tried.

One must have a firm grasp of irony in order to be truly sarcastic. My father taught me the meaning of irony. He loved The Twilight Zone. (Don't get excited Missy and Ginger. Different Twilight.) His favorite episode is about a man who loves books more than people. The bookish man is then the sole survivor of a nuclear war. He finds his way to the Library of Congress, I think it is, and now has every book at his own personal disposal. But at the very end, he falls down the steps and breaks his ultra-thick glasses. My dad loves that! He says it's the most ironic thing he's ever seen. So I learned irony.

My mother was really quite good at sarcasm. It could have been her spiritual gift, I'm not sure. She could "say" things that if transcribed would look just fine, but the effect would be quite the opposite. Her sarcasm could be hurtful though... I never liked that. I've always strived (strove? striven?) to use my sarcasm for the greater good, namely humorously.

The downside to the frequent use of sarcasm is it sometimes confuses the non-sarcastic person. For instance:
Me - "How was your day?"
Other - "Well, I had a wreck and lost my job."
Me - "Lovely."
Other - gives me a look that screams "You're either stupid or cruel. Which is it I wonder?"
Me - seeing the look of confusion and rapidly making the transition to normal-speak, say "I was just joking, being sarcastic. Sorry."
Other - still with a completely bemused expression tries to explain his day more fully because he's concluded that I'm stupid.
Me - "I can never be your friend. You're marked off my list. Moving on...." Of course, I say this in my head.

You see how this works. Every sarcastic person can identify. It can be quite inhibiting. And annoying.

I'm teaching my kids the meaning of irony now. One way I do this is that our spanking spoon is a yellow Kool-Aid spoon with a smiley face cut-out. That is irony, my friends.

I'm teaching them the proper use of sarcasm. It should never be used to tear down, only to entertain. This rule is something I struggle to keep. If I'm mad, I have been known to tear someone down with my sarcasm. I know you're shocked. It is hard to take in.

Anyways, this post has absolutely no point to it. It's more of a rant really. But I feel better for it.

Deep Thoughts

By Jack Handey

"When you go for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges."

"To me, truth is not some vague, foggy notion. Truth is real. And, at the same time, unreal. Fiction and fact and everything in between, plus some things I can't remember, all rolled into one big 'thing.' This is truth, to me."

"You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea."

He makes me laugh.

Affection. Love. These are incredibly powerful things. They seem to fill something in me that longs to be filled. I can thing of several relationships in my life to which these words apply.



My husband is one, obviously. Just sitting in bed right now, knowing that if I laid my head down on his chest I would hear his heart softly pounding, makes me feel whole in a way that cannot be explained. He is flesh of my flesh and bone of my bone. His very existence brings out a part of me that would not exist otherwise.



My children. To watch them grow and learn and be witty is... something for which I have no words. Really. They are people, not just my kids. I know that sounds simplistic but as a parent it is something that you realize anew. They start out as an extension of you. They depend on you completely. But then they get older. They feed themselves, even cook for themselves. They bathe themselves. They dress themselves, in their own chosen style. It's very cool to witness the birth of a personality. And yet... they are mine. They call me 'Momma'. Crazy but true.



I have other relationships that bring out love and affection. If you asked me who my favorite non-ChrisSharp person in the world was, at the top of that list would be my cousin Brad. I wish that I were as funny and wise as he. He makes me laugh and be proud of my maiden name. I wish he lived closer, South Florida is too far away. He and his terrific wife are coming for Christmas and I am wildly excited. It is so edifying to just be near them. (My best friend tells people that Brad is just me, only he's a boy. If that's true, maybe I just have deep affection for myself... entirely possible.)



Adam and Jessica. It's weird with them. My joy at their success is unparalleled. Their joy fills me with joy. Their gifts bless me like nothing else. I watch their life and marvel at the overwhelming goodness and creativity of God. They can express some of God's attributes in ways that I never could.



With certain friends there is a deep intimacy that takes time and overcoming conflict to have. I see how God has taken hurt feelings and selfishness and turned it for his glory. He redeems these friendships. He is good.



I'm sleepy now. My Benadryl is kicking in. But I have to say that sometimes it is startling to see how God is continually stretching my heart to hold new affections. As I am being changed into his likeness, I am also being given the ability to love others. And to accept love in return. We love because God is love. We love because he first loved us.



I could type all night and not be able to describe the way I see each of you, the way I love each of you. But I believe in heaven we'll be able to know.

Antacids, Football, and Explosions

Well, the doctor told me to try giving Gracie an antacid every day and just see how she does. Well, she's done really well. It seems to help her stomach pain. I have no idea why it helps but I'm just thankful that it does. We'll find out the results of her urine culture on Monday.

Ty's football season has been so great. They made it to the play-offs and today they won their first play-off game! It was such a fun game to watch. The team they played today beat them at the beginning off the season by 1 point. Today we beat them by 16 points. Ty was excited about that. But you know, I watch Ty and his coaches. I've noticed that Ty isn't devastated if they lose. He's disappointed but he says that it was a good game because he had fun.

Ty asked me today if I thought we made the right decision about him playing in Springville instead of Moody. I absolutely believe we did. God has blessed us with a head coach, who is not only an excellent coach who is committed to the kids learning and enjoying themselves, but who is also a believer. It's been cool to be able to encourage him and get to know his family.

God has also given our whole family the opportunity to develop relationships. It's been amazing to watch. I have no idea what will come of it all, but that's not my job. Please pray for us to be able to continue these relationships. Also I'm thinking about starting a women's Bible study with a couple of the women from Springville, please pray about that. For the opportunity, the scheduling, the location, etc.

Well, I must go. Ty's finally having his birthday party tomorrow. It's a rocket party... well really it's a let's-make-things-explode party. Mentos and Diet Coke, dry ice bombs, and actual rockets. Fun times. And I have to finish the prep work. And still with the cleaning of the house... always.

Have you ever wondered if you're crazy? Have you ever wondered if you're reading more into a situation than is actually there?

I am in that place. Gracie finished her antibiotics this morning. But her weird symptoms of abdominal cramping, side pain and neck pain that she had at the very beginning have started again. So... we're back at the doctor tonight. Dr. F is not on call tonight, will not be back on call until Monday. So we're seeing Dr.L. and what a waste of time that has been. Well, not completely, at least he ordered a urine culture. And he wants to put her on another round of antibiotics until we get the results on Monday.

But it's like that dream where you're standing in the middle of a crowd and you scream and you scream and no one notices. I knew he wouldn't listen to me. And he didn't. He has no intentions of even thinking of the possibility that there might be something going on besides a UTI.

On the other hand, maybe there really is nothing wrong. Maybe she's still weak and recovering. Maybe she just has weird pains like that and it's normal for her. Maybe... but then why is she waking me up at 3am crying because her stomach hurts?

So I'm left having no idea what I should do. No inkling of reassurance that if something is wrong that anyone will find it anytime soon. No other option but to trust God. And try not to obsess over it.

I'm frustrated. I just wish I could know what's going on inside her.

Great Big Love

Well, yesterday I got a lot done. I didn't finish the invitations. I can pass them out tomorrow at practice. My house is kinda clean... no one looked terrified when they walked in. Ty won his game. Now we get to got to the playoffs. Yeah. *sigh*

Today was a good day. Lots of people over, lots of food. Lots of help getting the house tidy again. I like that about my friends, they help me clean up. It was fun being 'normal' again. No sickness or sadness.


*Warning - Dramatic Topic Change*

Today in Sunday School and worship, we talked about how it is that we can engage with the people around us in a redemptive way. How we tend to be "rabbit-hole" Christians who pop out of our safe Christian environment every day, holding our breath around 'those' people and then have our Bible studies and pray for all those poor non-Christians that we safely avoided all day.

We talked about the beautiful, meticulous sovereignty of God. I was reminded that God is real. God is big and beautiful and holy. He's got it all covered. I have no reason to be pushy or impatient or self-righteous. It's all Him. I can relax.

I'm reading Blue Like Jazz again. I like that book. I like that it makes me think a little harder about my brokenness. Because that's how we engage people. That's how we can relate to 'those' people. The people who are the losers, the rebels, the hypocrites, the hateful. We can relate to their brokenness if we see our own. If we see how God's love and grace to us are the only things that make us any different, then we can love them.

Here's the illustration, condensed version:
A troubled young girl runs away from home at the age of 15. By 16 she's a prostitute, selling herself for money, getting beaten up every week, being degraded and abused. She has no hope. No relief.
Then one day at the grocery, she meets a man. He's strong and handsome and good. He demands nothing from her, just talks to her. She tells him up front who she is, what she is. He is undeterred. He begins to woo her. He loves her, takes care of her, protects her, demanding nothing in return. Eventually he convinces her of his love for her and she marries him, never to return to the nightmare that she used to call a life.
Her love for him is complete. She gives to him because she feels given to. She wakes every morning and makes his breakfast. She presses his shirts and makes him coffee. She finds tremendous joy in serving him. She knows what his love for her saved her from. She knows how big his love for her is... he's seen what she's capable of.
One day, someone tells her that she's 'the best wife ever'. She does all these things for her husband, the cooking and serving. But she remembers the prostitution, the beatings, the pain. She knows that his love saved her. Therefore her small response to such big love is only reasonable.


How can I relate to a non-Christian? By knowing that God's great big love, His relentless grace, is the only thing that makes me any different from them. Not my doing or working or goodness. Just God's lavish mercy. And they have no idea. They don't know that there is freedom from their slavery. They feel their inadequacies but see no relief in sight. But I know. I know. And I can love them. I can show them. I can tell them.

Broken is good. Or rather, knowing I'm broken is a good place to be.

To Do List

I'm sitting here, trying to plan my day. Things on my list are:

1. Go to Ty's game. A must.

2. Pack snacks for Ty's game. Concession stands are expensive.

3. Make invitations to Ty's party to pass out today at the game. No pressure.

4. Clean my house. Always.

5. Go to the church and iron the communion cloths.

6. Also fill communion cups so that Chris doesn't have to get up early tonight to go do it.

7. Work on Christmas Bazaar stuff.

8. Get ready for church here tomorrow night.

9. Bathe. Ugh, I feel gross.

10. Do some work I've been putting off.

11. Oh yeah, get ready for Gracie's birthday party... that's here... um, tomorrow.

12. Did I mention clean my house?

13. There are at least 68 more things that should be on this list, but I'll cry if I think about them.

So I guess the responsible thing to do would be to get off the computer and get to work. I am nothing if not responsible. Bye.


Oh, I just remembered another thing... work the concession stand for the game after Ty's. Blech. But I am very good at dipping cheese onto tortilla chips. That's a plus.

Ty's Church Sign

Many of you know how I feel about church signs. If you don't .. well... we'll have to talk about it later.

Anyway, Ty and I saw the classic church sign tonight.

"Ch ch"
"what's missing?"
drumroll please.........
"ur"

Hmmm... I love Jesus now.

I had to explain it first. Then Ty asked me why they put that up there. I said that it was supposed to make you want to go to church now.
Ty came back with "If they want more people to come to church there, their sign should say something like 'Free cheesecake on Wednesday and Sunday.'"

It still makes me laugh. I love that kid.

A Riddle and A Nap

Guess where I am? I'll give you some hints:

It has real pillows on it. Not one is covered in plastic.
If I lay flat, my toes don't hang off the end.
It has covers that tuck in and don't ride up around my knees.
It has a really hot-looking man in it.

Give up? I'm in my own bed. Oh yeah! And my baby girl is sleeping between Chris and I right now, fever free and comfortable.

Chris came after church to pick us up. It was nice to be with him. Like I was whole again. We went back to his parents' house to pick up the boys and eat. Margaret had taken them to the store and bought them presents. Brody got a bow and arrow set. Ty got a Lego Star Wars General Grievious fighter ship. And they had bought Gracie a Barbie that came with a dog. I discovered how you can get boys to play Barbies: you make it come with a dog that poops. That's right... the dog poops. It is absolutely disgusting.

Anyways, the kids wanted to play and Bill wanted to show Chris stuff. Margaret took one look at me and told me to go take a nap. And man, that was a good nap. I slept for a couple of hours and would have slept longer if Chris hadn't waked me up. I'm glad he did. It was so lovely to wake up with him lying beside me.

So now we're home. And my house smells bad. The floors are gross. And it's the most lovely sight I've ever seen.

Gracie had a good day today. She's definitely not back to normal. She gets tired easily and her tummy still hurts sometimes. Her fever is slight and easily controlled. But she's so much better, all that is just fine. It will just take some time. She has some really strong antibiotics to take for the next 12 days. She had 3 days of IV antibiotics to get everything jump started. We follow up with the pediatrician tomorrow. (And yes, mother, I got the text... I'll get her some yogurt in the morning.)

So I guess I'll see you soon. Come for a visit if you want.

Well, I know all of you are at church right now. Chris should be calling me after Sunday School for any more news.

Not to sound overly excited but...


WE'RE GOING HOME!!!!!!

Her temp was still good this morning. They're about to give her the oral antibiotics, to make sure that she can stomach it. They want another urine sample too. But after all of that, we can go home. So maybe 1 or 2pm?

I'll let you know for sure.

I've already told you that the doctor was thinking about sending us home tomorrow... well, today now. I was feeling unsure of whether or not this was a good idea. The fear having something to do with knowing if Gracie was physically ready to go home. Is the medicine just masking her symptoms the way it did at home for so long? Or are the symptoms really going away because the antibiotics are working?

So tonight, I refused the Motrin when it was offered. I wanted to be sure. Gracie had taken it last around 2pm. Her temp was holding at around 96 again. Then over the course of the evening, it gradually started to creep up again. By midnight it was 98. By 1am it was 99.5. Then at around 2am it reached 100.8. We gave her the Motrin.

My thoughts on the results of the 'experiment'? That although she is still having fever, it is much more typical and normal. It was slowly creeping up, a degree per hour, instead of 5 degrees per half hour. It was doing it at a steady rate in the same direction: meaning that it wasn't flucuating up and down and up. That I'm okay with. That shows me that the infection is getting better.

After 40 minutes, her temp had already come down by one degree. She is sleeping peacefully.

I was laying on my torture device, trying to go to sleep, when God kept sending me flashes of memory, pointing out the moments of redemption and shalom this week. There were many moments of fear and exhaustion. But there were also moments of ... I know no other word than "Shalom" - the way things ought to be.

Like the gifts of coffee and ChickFilA. Like the picture of Gracie and my friend Roo, lying on the hsopital bed, laughing hysterically. Like reading the comments on my blog and alternately crying and laughing. Like carefully choosing the exact shade that the grass should be while coloring with Gracie. Like snuggling with her while we played Mah-Jong on the laptop. Like hearing her say at 7:30 on a Saturday night that she wished KimHill still lived here, cause she knew that she'd come to visit her if we called.

There are many more. More than I can list here. Your love for us has no gone unnoticed. Your prayers have not been unanswered. As my sister reminded me tonight, God is good, all the time. And as a family, we share in his goodness. We revel in it and we extend it to one another. Thank you for being my family. See you soon.

More good news.

Grace had no episodes last night. She is responding to the antibiotics even better than the doctor had hoped. Dr. Benton seemed genuinely surprised and pleased at the way she's responded.

There was some worry over her blood work from yesterday, her renal panels looked elevated. So they drew more blood at 5am today and those results were good. Her kidney function looks normal. There is still some concern about her kidneys. There is always the chance that such a prolonged infection could have left scarring but so far that doesn't seem to be the case.

Gracie's temperature has been low. I think that's a reaction to having had such a high fever for so long. Her temp today has not gotten above about 96.8. The doctor said that she's not worried about that. It's more than likely her body's response to the antibiotics. Sort of like taking a break from all the work it's had to do to keep her alive these past two weeks. Also they're keeping the ibuprofen in her regularly... I'm sure that has something to do with it too.

They want to do another urine culture just to make sure that the infection is doing what we think it's doing. She has no pain, swelling or bleeding to give us a measurement of what the infection's doing. None of the 'regular' signs of UTI. That still puzzles me. Her urethra never got infected. The doctor said that with the level of infection that she has, they would really have expected her to be bleeding and swollen. Nope. None of that. Strange.

Also strange that her urine test on the 13th showed no infection. Dr. Fugazzotto was pretty upset about that. Upset that she suffered for so long. Wishing that he could have helped her. But, really, we all did everything we could have done. I can't look back and think of anything that he or I should have done differently. Meticulous Providence.

So, if she continues to improve, has no set backs, can stay hydrated without the IV and gets some food in her, we might can come home tomorrow. I would really, really like that. My back hurts from the distinctly sub-par sleeping arrangements.

The doctors here will continue to monitor her blood cultures. They will send everything to Dr. F, who will then keep me posted. (turns out he was right all along... she was never contagious)

So that's what new. We took a walk with Uncle Teddy today. We watched a SpongeBob marathon. Then I read while she played with her new Barbie. (Thank you, Jeremy!) So we'll hang out and see. Thanks for your continued prayers. I'll keep you posted.

It is almost 1 am. We slept for a bit but then they had to start Gracie's IV, she has the port in her hand they just hook up the tube each time. Anyway, it always burns at first and it woke her up. As we were trying to go back to sleep, she noticed that her stomach was hurting. I got up to sit on her bed and wait for the inevitable. Then she said the most unexpected thing... "Momma, I think I'm hungry."

It's been two weeks since she's been hungry. Progress. She ate some Cheerios. We'll see.

Our team of doctors has reached a conclusion. Gracie has a UTI. They think now that that's all she has. But it is very bad. She will be getting IV antibiotics for a while. My sleep deprived brain is remembering the doctor say for 5 days. She said that we should not be concerned if her symptoms did not improve noticeably in 5 days. Any improvement before that is gravy. Her blood cultures are still developing, two more days on those. The whole thing is still crazy. But I'm glad that at least now we know.

rough night. we're gonna sleep now.

It is midnight and exhaustion passed me hours ago. I need sleep.

Gracie is sleeping now. Her temperature cycle, that used to be "normal-spike-normal-spike" is now "normal-drop-spike-normal-drop-spike". She has no other symptoms of sepsis than that. Her drop in temp is accompanied by an enormously profuse sweat that smells kind of sulfery and very wet dogish. This is the second episode that has included these things.

The doctors know that she has a UTI (urinary tract infection) more than likely confined to her kidneys for some odd reason. They believe that this is a secondary infection. And still don't know what the primary infection is.

Pray.

Pray for wisdom for the doctors, compassion for the nurses, rest for me and strength for Gracie. Prayers are needed. Visits are troublesome because we never when an episode will hit. I am achingly thankful for your love and prayers and your carrying of this burden with us.

If you want to know how we're doing, check back on the blog. Call the church. Don't call our room. And if you call my cell and I don't answer, I may not be able to talk. Don't be frustrated, it's not you- it's me. :o)

Her temp with the ear thermometer right now is 95.3. Under the arm 96.6. A while ago they had to take it rectally and it was 97.4. Very low. And very weird. And kinda scary.

I'm going to try to sleep now.

PS I have no idea why my blog won't allow comments. No idea.

Doctor wants blood drawn at the height of the rigors. Problem= getting the nurse or tech here before they subside. SO... we missed one whole episode. Now we have to wait for the next one. Which means that they can't try to prevent the next one, we have to let it get full blown again. I cried.

Her fever got up to 103.4 before they finally gave her Motrin. After an hour and fifteen minutes, it is now 104.2. Where is her nurse?

We've had a busy day. She had an episode that started at 2am and lasted until about 11. Chills started the ball rolling. Sorry, rigors. She threw up three times. She had fever for almost 7 hours.

She's had an echo and an ultrasound. Her urine is very dirty, but the chances that she has a simple UTI are slim to none. Her ultrasound looked good. Haven't heard anything from the echo. They're looking for infection in her heart valves. That could mean that bacteria is breaking loose into her bloodstream periodically, causing the episodes.

But I'm sure that tomorrow it will be different. Maybe. We're staying one or two more nights. I will need help with my other kids. Or you could give us money so Chris doesn't have to go... only kidding. Call Kim to volunteer.

I'm exhausted. I got three hours of sleep last night. I really can't think of anything else right now.

Do Not Be Afraid

Well. Here's the story.

Our pediatrician decided that Gracie needed to see an immunologist. He had his reasons. He said to wait to hear from him. So this morning at 10am, we get the call that our appointment is at 1pm with a Dr. Atkinson.

As we're getting ready to go, her fever spikes, the chills start. I give her medicine because I can't let her suffer. Off we go to our appointment. By the time we get there, she feels much better. Her fever is almost gone. We see the doctor. He is very confidence-inspiring. He seems to consider everything. I know this because he thinks out loud. I like that. He decides to get blood work and send her on home. I'm supposed to call on Friday for results. He makes the comment that she looks great. I agree with him... she does look great... at the moment.

As we're checking out, waiting for the piece of paper that I have to give to the lab people, Gracie makes the comment that she's cold. Ahhh, now it starts again. We walk around the corner and she starting to shake. I ask Chris if I should take her back so that the doctor can see what I'm talking about. He says maybe we should.

I ask the lab tech if I can give Grace her medicine, and she says yes. I do. We wait for about two minutes to be called back. By the time the tech is ready to actually stick her, her chills are so hard they almost look like a seizure... this is normal, it's what she's been doing. The tech has trouble getting her to bleed. She finds a vein, but Gracie is a little dehydrated and not bleeding very fast. I had asked her when we first got back there if I should take Grace back so the doctor can see. She thinks I should. But by the time she's done drawing blood, she goes herself to get the doctor.

About three minutes later, in Dr. Atkinson walks. He is visibly taken aback at the shape Gracie is in. The change is dramatic. Her chills are bad. He watches her for a full minute before he does any kind of exam. Then he says that he wants me to bring her back into the office so that he can examine her again. As we're walking with him back to his offices,with me carrying Gracie, I overhear him tell his nurse that he wants to admit her. He says he wants a CT scan of her abdomen, he wants to make sure that she has no 'abscesses'. My hands start to shake.

When we get back to his office, her temp is now close to 104. He gets on the phone. By this time, the office is closed. His nurse and med student are still there. The nurse brings Gracie a package containing 8 new chapter books. She gives her a coloring book. She brings Brody peanut butter and graham crackers.

The Doc comes back in and tells us where to go to be admitted. Apparently, it's right beside Mrs. Bonnie's desk. I smile. I call Mona, she goes and gets Maggie and Ty for church. I call Kim and tell her. I try not to tense up, I don't want a migraine.

Chris and Brody drop us off at the door. We check in, room 422. The nurses are great. By this time, Gracie looks normal again. She looks fine. The herd of doctors come in. They are very thorough. I feel frustrated because Gracie looks fine. The head doc tells me that Dr. Atkinson had called her cell and told her that he had a little girl that he wanted her to admit because of her 'rigors'. Thanks, that word doesn't freak me out. Rigors are her horrible chills. Not good apparently. Der.

Now we are here. She's already had chest x-rays. We're waiting to go to CT. Her fever spiked again after we got here. Just as they were drawing more blood. I sobbed as Gracie cried. I wanted to grab her and run away. But instead we clung to each other and stuck it out.

They think maybe it's the abscess thing, or maybe an immunological thing, or maybe an infection in her blood. None of these things sound good to me.

I want to go home. I want to be at church. I want to hide out in Jackson. I want Jesus to come back and get us out of here. I want perfection. I want my baby to be okay. I want to not be afraid. I want to cry.

Brody wanted to listen to AOC this morning on the way. I cried as I heard the voice of God through that music. "Do not be afraid. Your fragile and trembling hand is no burden to hold." I am afraid, but I reach my hand anyway.